To Kill a Mary Sue
by Qu0thTheRavenNeverm0re
Summary: Aria Snape, a devious Mary Sue, has been released in Hogwarts and is running around turning everyone frightfully OOC. Now, a young fanfiction author must stop her before it is too late! T for language. ALL DONE! Sequel is out, my friends.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by, but by no means copied from, Nightmare Before Halloween's "Attack of the Plot Bunnies." Nightmare, if you are reading this and find it disgustingly similar, by all means tell me and I would be happy to erase it. And the spoof story below isn't copied or based off some unfortunate soul on the site; I'm not that mean. Enjoy.**

_The night was a stormy one, with pulses of thunder shaking the Great Hall. Inside, the students picked at their food and mumbled to each other. A clock ticked tensely, and the fire crackled nervously at the hearth. The school was waiting for something, though they didn't know it at the time._

_Suddenly, with a huge crack of purple lightning, the huge oak double doors creaked open. In the entryway stood a wet, trembling girl. Her hair was tangled and her clothes tattered, but these things did nothing to contain her extordinary beauty. Blonde waves fell like beams of sunlight around her slender shoulders. Her blue eyes sparkled like the sea, dazzling and jewel-like despite the frightened look trapped inside them. A face sculpted to perfection gazed upon the silent crowd of gaping students and teachers. Everyone was mesmerized._

"_Excuse me," she coughed gently. "My name is Aria. I grew up with my mother, Megan Thompson, and never met my father. When my mother died years ago, she told me that if anything happened to come here, to Hogwarts. The orphanage burned down just a few months ago, and I made my way here."_

_A murmur of sadness arose in the room. The crowd was in distress at the girl's tragic story; so moved, in fact, that no one noticed the shocked expression frozen on Snape's face._

_Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Well," he announced. "I suppose we should offer Miss Aria some of our hospitalities."_

"_I'll help!" yelled a cry from the Slytherin table. None other than Draco Malfoy stood up valiantly. He offered the girl his hand and tenderly led her to an empty seat, where he presented her with some warm food. Something in his frosty gray eyes suggested that this girl had made an impression upon his calloused soul, that in the brief minute he had laid his eyes upon her, a strong sensation had erupted in his hea-_

The young fanfiction reader stared blankly at her computer screen, petrified. Confused by what she saw, her mind urged her to read the page again, certain that nothing could be as horrifying as what lay in front of her. She knew all too well what would happen in this wretched piece of 'literature'- So-called 'Aria' would capture and soften the heart of the unfortunate Draco, they would form a fluffy and sugar-coated relationship, and somewhere in the sickening mix, Snape would reveal that he was the chick's father. The girl was frightened, disgusted, and quite frankly scarred by what she had read. The world of fanfiction had just been corrupted. Something had to be done.

The girl raised her index finger off the mouse, preparing to click the orange button that mocked her greatly. "Review this Chapter" it tempted, driving her almost to the point of giving in. But her finger relaxed, and she sat back in her chair. Somehow, it didn't feel right to give a dishonest review praising the story, even to the smallest degree. And flaming was simply mean. She shook her head sadly. This was a case of a dangerous Mary-Sue and extreme OOC-ness, one of the worst she'd ever seen. And it needed to be put to justice.

A terrible uprising had happened in the vast network of fanfiction, and the girl felt an immense need to stop it. From somewhere in the house, her mother squawked to come finish her chores. "In a minute! I have to save the world of fandom first! Sorry!" She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. It was no question of what needed to be done. What she didn't know was if she could do it. Or if she would come out alive.

The Mary-Sue is quite a difficult and crafty creature, my friend.

**So, whaddaya think? I'd appreciate a review, but if not then suit yourself. Thanks for reading. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's Chapter 2. Thanks very very much for reviewing. Destiny Riddle was, unfortunately, a real Mary Sue created by (cringe) me long ago. Sadly, it wasn't a joke back then. And that's all I really have to say, other than please don't call me Trixie despite what the story says (I simply could not, would not, be referred to as Bella).**

XxBellatrixLestrange917xX darted down the Hogwarts hallway. She slowed to a stop and leaned up against the cool stone wall, panting. This school was a lot bigger and more confusing than it had sounded when she read the books! Once she caught her breath, she would have to keep running. Time was precious when OOC-ness was involved; however sappy that story might have been, Draco might still have a little longer until he totally lost it. And that Mary-Sue might be lurking around anywhere in these corridors. She had to keep moving.

Trixie (for that's what we'll call her for short) had generic brown hair parted to one side, plain brown eyes, smudged eyeliner, and a cowardly disposition. She was one to usually let other people take over, whether it was saving a group of kindergarteners from a fire or deciding what to order at Pei-Wei (though she did have a liking for the Chicken Lo-Mein). However, as we said in the last chapter, there was no backing down from her self-proclaimed responsibility. Even if it was too late for Draco, who was usually the first to go anyways, the entire rest of the student body needed to be protected from the bloodthirsty creature that was a Mary-Sue.

Finally, she found the entrance to the Great Hall. Noting smugly that the doors were actually mahogany- not oak, as Aria's story had stated- she pushed them open. Unfortunately, the creaking noise didn't attract nearly as much attention as they had when opened by someone with extraordinary beauty. After several attempts at waving her arms and calling for attention, Trixie decided that what needed to be done needed to be done.

"HEY EVERYONE, LOOK! CEDRIC'S COME BACK AS A MAGICAL SPARKLE FAIRY!"

(This statement wasn't entirely a lie.)

The entire female population (plus Neville) craned their necks and started frantically squealing, as if Viktor Crum had asked each and every one of them to marry him. But all the anxious fangirls (and, uh, fanboy) saw was a scrawny girl on the upper edges of thirteen waiting to speak.

"Uhm, uh, hi, everyone," Trixie's voice lurched awkwardly. "Um, I came to, ah, tell you, er, that you all are…you're all in grave danger."

Crickets chirped. "You're not Cedric!" Neville announced, crestfallen.

"Who the hell is this chick?" screeched a Slytherin. The rest of the hall murmured in agreement, except for the crickets, who, of course, couldn't speak.

Trixie almost said Bellatrix but then realized it would probably only result in major confusion. "Um, I'm Celeste. Celeste Night." Her old pen name wouldn't cause any recognition; she had only written horrible Mary Sue stories in the Warriors category back then. Trixie chuckled, remembering her obsession with a book series about fighting cats in the English countryside.

Unexpectedly, it seemed they _did _know who she was. "Hey! I've heard that name before!" declared a Ravenclaw. "You were the creator of that obnoxious girl, Destiny Riddle!"

"Yeah, Voldemort's daughter!" a Hufflepuff shouted.

Realization crept up Trixie's spine. She _had _written a horrible Mary Sue story for Harry Potter, and it was one of the worst ever! Her thoughts were interrupted as she dodged to avoid a corn-on-the-cob flying through the air, obviously thrown at her. It splattered to the wall behind her.

Harry's angry eyes burned dangerously green. "I know her! You made me kiss her!"

She laughed nervously. "Come on, you guys, I was like, eleven." They did not sympathize. "And in my next story, Harry, you get to kiss a hot Snatcher girl!"

All hell broke loose then. Turkey legs, goblets of pumpkin juice, silverware- all zoomed through the air around Trixie. "BUT SHE'S BADASS!" screamed the girl as a last attempt to reconcile. It was no use. She had tried to save the fanfiction world, and she hadn't even gotten past the flying food.

Abruptly, the commotion stopped. A hush fell over the crowd as Dumbledore stood up to speak. Even the crickets didn't dare make any noise as the old wizard cleared his throat.

"It appears that Celeste has crucial information about our safety. Did she not mention that we happen to be in danger? I think we should hear her out."

"Yes. Exactly. Thank you, sir," Trixie stuttered gratefully. A flaming loaf of bread whizzed dangerously close to her ear. Professor McGonagall shot a stern look to the Slytherin table.

"Well, recently, a Mary Sue has been spotted within Hogwarts school grounds. If she isn't retained soon, she'll drive you all to insanity!"

Silence. The crickets began their monotonous rhapsody again. Apparently, the students didn't understand what a Mary-Sue was, or precisely how much danger they were in.

Trixie sighed. "It's like Destiny, but much worse."

Instantly, a shockwave rolled over the crowd. Slytherins cursed angrily, Gryffindors offered to slay the wretched beast, Ravenclaws nervously calculated numbers, and Hufflepuffs simply sobbed.

"Does anyone know where Draco is?" Trixie hadn't spotted him among all the curse words and feared the worst. Embarrassed expressions fell upon select faces in the crowd at these words, as if avoiding an uncomfortable fact. Trixie could do nothing but glance around, frustrated, waiting for an answer.

It was Pansy Parkinson who uttered the first words. "He's not here right now," she spat icily. Well, Trixie had concluded that much. Crabbe and Goyle chuckled stupidly. "He's out in the hall snogging the new girl!"

Trixie remainded confused until a freckle-faced Hufflepuff ran up and whispered the word's meaning into her ear. Being an American, she had not been acquainted with the British term. Understanding spread over her face. Then her spirits sank. "It's too late for him now," she announced sadly. "Aria's worked her sick and twisted magic. The most we can do is protect everyone else and, most of all, try and stop her."

Harry approached Trixie like the annoying Gryffindor he could sometimes be. "So it's her that's the threat." There was no time for dramatic confrontation, but it was best to let him say whatever it was and be done with it. "I'll help you catch her. Is it just Draco who is in immediate danger?"

"Him and Snape. But, yep, that's it." It was a lie. Harry himself was usually at least somewhat affected by Mary-Sues. But it was best for him not to know. And Snape was gone right now, probably too engrossed in the shock of finding his long-lost daughter and making sure Aria didn't know her identity to be worried about any kind of OOC-ness.

"You can count on us to help you," Harry replied, squaring his shoulders and gazing off into the distance, probably thinking of a dramatic soliloquy to state as he ran Aria through with a sword. Trixie, however, was willing to put up with this ridiculousness in order to get some help.

But disposing of something as crafty and substanceless as a Mary-Sue would require much more than a sharp weapon, I'm afraid.


	3. Chapter 3

**Alright, uh…here's chapter three. Have you noticed how much the name Aria is perfect for a Mary-Sue? Scarily, I almost named one of my OCs that. 0.0**

"I'm telling you, she's wonderful! Every time I look into her eyes, I see something that I've been missing all my life…and I wonder how I could have ever lived without her."

Trixie ran her fingers through her overgrown bangs. "Yes, but has she shown any signs of hostility? Tried to hurt you in any way?" It was no use. This same cycle had been going on for the past hour and a half. They- Trixie, Harry, and what was left of Draco- were sitting in Professor McGonagall's office, the first two of the three trying to get some useful information on Aria and how they were going to destroy her. It was just as Trixie thought: Draco was completely daffy.

Harry, who was enjoying this far too much, had done nothing to help the situation. He sat back in his plush leather chair, smirking at the oblivious victim in front of him. "And would you compare this feeling to, say, a beautiful unicorn trotting beneath a rainbow, or a field of fresh daisies in the golden afternoon?"

Trixie let out an exasperated groan. "YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" But Draco wouldn't have gotten to answer the question anyway (even though we all know he would've chosen the daisies), for there in the door stood no one but Aria herself.

Golden hair rippling, blue eyes flashing dangerously, she sent a sickly sweet smile towards the Slytherin in the room. "Darling, I seem to have left my books in the Potions room. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?"

"Of course, my daffodil!" Draco exclaimed exuberantly. Harry nearly had a seizure in an attempt to keep from bursting into wild laughter. Trixie merely twitched. "Anything for you, honey bear."

He lurched unsteadily out of the room. Harry exploded in hiccupping snickers and decided he'd catch up with them later. Trixie knew exactly what Aria had been doing in Snape's classroom: confronting him about her parenthood and almost undoubtedly the "strange way he had acted while teaching the class." Once both boys had left, the almost inhumanly beautiful girl shut the door and turned to Trixie with a poisonous smile painted across her perfect face.

"Celeste…" Aria began. Actually, besides a dangerous gleam in her sapphire eyes, one could scarcely tell that she didn't mean anything but well wishes. Being a Mary Sue, she always seemed sweet, polite, and kindly. But it was a good thing she had called her Celeste. Maybe, if Trixie got lucky, Aria would recognize her as a friend and not someone intended on destroying her.

"I hear you go by XxBellatrixLestrange917xX now." All hope vanished. She suspected. She knew. Mary Sues were also impractically intelligent that way.

"Please. Call me Trixie." This conversation was going anywhere but in Trixie's favor. She gulped. Believe me, there are plenty of things a Mary Sue can do to you. Everyone has a weakness.

"I know why you're here," Aria continued. Her cheerful and good-natured tone seemed strangely out of place among her obviously evil intentions. "I've seen what you've done to the others. Destiny was a close friend of mine; you destroyed her! But you have no authority over me. I will never be stopped."

"Oh, Aria, I think you're just overreacting." Trixie began to giggle lightly, deliriously. Fear did that to her. "I found your story fascinating; I just had to get a closer look. You've captivated the hearts of everyone here! I wanted to meet someone as absolutely wonderful as you."

"Don't be ridiculous." All traces of friendliness in her voice dissolved. "All you want to do is get rid of me. But I know you, I know your faults. I know exactly how to dispose of you!"

The two girls were interrupted by Professor McGonagall's impatient voice from just outside the door. "Are you girls done yet? I need to check my Farmville."

Innocence returned to Aria's voice. "Oh, yes, Professor, we're terribly sorry. Just a minute."

The Mary Sue turned back to Trixie. "You better watch it because I can, and I will, destroy you. It'll be so easy; I might even have enough time to get rid of Snape, too."

Aria turned on her heel and skipped happily out of the office. McGonagall rushed to her desk and started frantically clicking the computer mouse. "My cranberries are almost ready to harvest!" She probably didn't even notice Trixie, who shuffled away nervously.

It didn't surprise her that Aria had erupted in anger like that. Almost every Mary Sue had bad intentions; it was just the matter of whether they kept their cool around the actual characters they inflicted. She had a pretty good idea of how the girl was planning to corrupt Snape, too. But these things weren't what worried her.

For this would be the last time I would end a chapter with a cheesy, foreboding, one-line-paragraph, dear reader.

(Plus, Trixie's willpower was also at stake.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks very much for reviewing! I can't tell you how much it means to me. Sadly, I don't actually own a Domo watch, however much I wish I did. Here's chapter 4. Enjoy.**

"Flaming? _This _is your brilliant plan?" Harry stared at Hermione in disbelief. She had claimed she had a great idea on how to stop Aria from tearing Hogwarts apart. He, along with Trixie and Ron, had rushed all the way from the Quidditch fields to the library to hear Hermione's so-called solution (Trixie had always wanted to see a Quidditch practice in session). Harry knew perfectly well what flaming was and was convinced it would do no good. "Are you absolutely sure it will work?"

"No, I'm not," Hermione replied briskly. "But the least we can do is try. I mean, it's worked in the past, hasn't it?"

Trixie pondered into the distance. "That wasn't what destroyed Destiny," she remarked. "It was my own understanding of her annoyingness that made me get rid of her." She wanted to believe that they had found a resolution; at the same time, however, she wasn't sure about this.

"Yes, but it was flaming that helped you reach that conclusion, wasn't it?"

"I suppose you're right. We just have to see if it works."

Ron spoke up for the first time. "I dunno, Harry, she's blimey pretty."

A look of concern clouded over Harry's eyes. He glanced at Trixie, his expression asking her if this meant that Aria had gotten to Ron, too. She shook her head. No, Ron was not OOC at all at the moment.

"Trixie, I think you have to be the one to do it. Your words are the only ones that have real power here."

Trixie nodded at Hermione. She glanced at her Domo watch. Aria should be passing through the nearby corridor soon on her way to History of Magic. They huddled just inside the library door, alert and watchful.

Sure enough, the echoes of footsteps taken by dainty, petite feet rang closer and closer. "Go! Go!" Hermione whispered, shoving Trixie into the hall. She stumbled along the cold tile. Once she gained her footing, she realized she was, indeed, looking up into the jeweled eyes of Aria Snape herself.

"Can I help you?" she asked icily. Trixie straightened her shoulders and gazed defiantly into her angelic marble face. Being a nagging bitch was something that had not been passed down from her mother. Trixie was a coward who didn't like to be mean to anyone. At least, not in person. Writing a flame was one thing; openly criticizing a story to someone's face was another. But she took a deep breath. They were counting on her.

"YOUR STORY IS TERRIBLE!" Trixie exploded. As the sound left her mouth, it materialized into liquid-y green words that fell onto the floor. As they hit the stone, they erupted into emerald-colored flames around Aria.

Awed with the result but not nearly finished, Trixie grinned slyly and continued. "The pace is way too fast, your storyline is _extremely _cliché, and EVERYONE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER!"

The young author paused. Her chest heaved violently; a wild look seized her chocolate brown eyes. While Trixie was emerged in temporary madness, the green flames danced and writhed around the Mary Sue, who simply waited for the energy to die down. Once Trixie had calmed, Aria smiled devilishly.

"You think I can be burnt and scathed by a simple flame? I have too much power to be destroyed so easily. You will never tame the likes of me!"

Oh God, even a Mary Sue in angry mode was obnoxiously overdramatic.

To Trixie and the others' horror, the flames died down and became a pile of smoldering gray ashes. Smoke curled up and away, coiling and uncoiling into faint, wispy words. Aria glided away down the hall like the goddess she wasn't.

The three Gryffindors tentatively slunk over to the spot Trixie was standing. Ron poked the ashes with the toe of his sneaker. Hermione looked devastated.

"So, I guess it didn't work," she sighed. The four of them looked regretfully into the distance. No more words needed to be spoken; they all had the same troubles on their mind.

What the hell were they going to do now?

**Oops, I guess there was another cheesy one line ending buried in there. Heh, stay tuned for Chapter Five, which involves slapping, butterbeer, and *gasp* EVEN MORE OOC-NESS!**


	5. Chapter 5

**You know how, at the end of Chapter 4, I said this chapter would involve butterbeer? Well, I didn't think it would be **_**this**_** much butterbeer. Oh and please go to my profile to take a poll concerning this story. Gracias. **

Trixie took another swig of butterbeer. God, this stuff was good! The entire school had ventured out to Hogsmeade for the evening, and Ron had acquainted her with the glorious substance she now drank. Her words were slurred and fuzzy at the edges, and she had a woozy look in her eye. Even after the bartender had declined her request for a shot of Firewhiskey on account of age, Trixie had proven to everyone that she wasn't skilled at holding even as weak a substance as butterbeer.

Or at least, that's how she made it seem. The only thing that _really _hyped Trixie up was root beer, but no one needed to know that. Her intention was to seem so tipsy that Aria would never expect her of anything- including spying. There was a rumor that Draco and Aria were out "snogging" near the Shrieking Shack. She planned to observe them under the Invisibility cloak- right after she had proven just how drunk she could get

"Hey, hey Hermione. Hey Hermione. Her-mee-own, hey. Hey-"

"What!" the Gryffindor snapped. Not even she was aware that this was all just a show. Hermione glared at Harry and Ron angrily, as if to say, _What did you think you were doing, letting a thirteen-year-old drink so much butterbeer?_

"Hey Her-mee-own, I need your help." Trixie belched and grinned. "If Pinocchio said his nose was about to grow, would it grow or what? I can't figure it out! You gotta tell me!"

"No, Celeste, I don't know. I'm sorry." Hermione facepalmed and sighed, exasperated. Trixie realized that everyone still thought her name was Celeste. She could tell them later.

"Harry! Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry Harry Harry. Harry Harry, Harryharryharryharry! You know, Cho Chang? You know her? What were you guys doin in the Room of Requirement, huh? You gotta tell us, dude."

Harry's face turned as red as Ron's hair. Ron chortled and snorted liquid out of his nose. "Yes, Harry, tell us!" he joked. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"HARRY!" Trixie's sudden outburst turned a few heads. She stood up and started dragging Harry towards the exit. "Come on, I gotta show you something!"

"Good luck, mate!" Ron called, chuckling. Trixie noticed Harry had managed to grab his belongings, including the Invisibility Cloak. She wobbled along the road to the edge of town until they were some fifteen yards from the barbed wire fence blocking off the Shrieking Shack.

"What do you want?" Harry said angrily. Trixie merely smiled.

"Psst! We need to be quiet! I know a secret but we gotta be _quiet_."

They listened to the darkening night. Sure enough, the shells of two nearby voices floated along the air to their ears."

"But, Aria, I don't care where you come from! I'll always love you, no matter what you have to say to me!"

"But Draco, you don't understand! If you knew…the things I have seen…you'd hate me forever!"

"Shhhh…Look at me." Here comes a mushy love scene. Trixie braced herself. "Do I…dazzle you?"

Luckily, she didn't have to see the rest of it. Harry grabbed her arm and tugged her away from the scene until they were far out of earshot.

"Look, I know you're not in your right mind right now, but that doesn't give us a right to intrude on them! That was extremely rude of us, and I can't believe you would do such a thing."

"_What?_" Trixie exclaimed, any air of drunkenness evaporating from her voice. Harry didn't notice and continued.

"We've been so mean to Aria in the past. I think we should start respecting her. Because, because she's…beautiful. And if I can't have her, Draco should be able to."

Were Trixie's ears deceiving her? All color drained from her face as she realized the horrible truth. She had been spending so much time trying to think of ways to dispose of Aria that she hadn't bothered trying to protect everyone else!

She had to do something, anything. Harry's sanity could still be saved at this point. "Quidditch!" she shouted. "You play Quidditch, you like Chocolate Frogs, and Professor Snape hates you!"

"I don't even think about those things anymore! The only thing I feel is my love for Aria!"

Panic rose in Trixie's chest. What could she do? This was a giant act of improvisation; Harry was getting worse by the minute, and if she couldn't save him now, it would be too late. This wasn't an absolute fact- she just had that sure feeling most people get when they are characters in a story.

In a random burst of spontaneous inspiration, Trixie's voice rose. "YOU KISSED CHO CHANG IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT!" She slapped Harry across the face in a manner that can only be described as awkwardly. Having no experience in the realm of bitchslapping, her movement was tentative and spastic. But it was enough. Harry's eyes seemed to focus a bit; he shook himself a little and looked around, confused.

"Wha-what just happened?" Harry said foggily. "I-I think someone just bitchslapped me!"

Trixie grinned. "Aria had gotten to you for a bit there, but luckily, it was nothing unfixable."

They headed back to The Three Broomsticks. The sun had completely set now, making the path almost pitch black, the trees' branches spindling up towards the evening sky like twisted arms trying to catch hold of the moon. The lights of town glowed softly ahead.

Both of them were now aware of the full danger of Aria's inflictions. They had been reminded of how cautious they needed to be when dealing with this sort of thing. They also knew that as the Mary Sue grew stronger, their awareness had to, too. But they couldn't do a thing about that now. All they could do was be alert and able for any kind of situation.

"What _were_ you and Cho doing in the Room of Requirement anyway?"

**Eh heh heh…notice the reference to Twilight ridiculousness up in Draco and Aria's conversation? Thanks for reading. =]**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, here's where the big predictable plot twist comes in! But Plague's Vengeance already knows what's going to happen… Thanks to everyone for the 21 reviews so far! If you were wondering, Harry's probably about in his fourth or fifth year at this time, but it's not something that really matters. Sorry no update, I was at a funeral. For a four year old boy. So please be nice.**

Things at Hogwarts were getting hectic. Snape kept fresh flowers in his classroom, Dumbledore was suddenly moody and disagreeable, and Filch offered free Cauldron Cakes to confused students as they passed through the halls. Trixie now had a full-time job of bitchslapping people back into character. Aria's essence seemed to be growing stronger every day- so strong that minimal energy could be contributed to the Mary Sue's own demolition. The network of impaired students was expanding rapidly. And Trixie's arm was getting tired. No, things were not looking good.

One day, she had just finished curing a delusional Blaise Zabini after he had begun reciting dramatic Shakespearian poetry to a mildly surprised Luna Lovegood in the Great Hall, when the door was lightly pushed open, as if a slight puff of air had moved it. Under the majestic wooden frame stood none other than Aria Anastasia Haley Monica Snape herself, looking humble and meek, yet still extraordinarily gorgeous. (Trixie had heard her full name recited from none other than Colin Creevey, just before his mind had been brought back to normality. It didn't surprise her; didn't most Mary Sues have inconveniently long names like that?) She fidgeted with her slender, delicate hands behind her back, her deep cerulean eyes fixed on the floor. All part of a show, as long as Blaise or another oblivious character was around.

Trixie remembered all the fuss the girl had attracted the first time she had stood between those doors. The Great Hall was empty now. No attention for her today, she thought smugly. Blaise, still a bit disoriented, nodded towards the staircase. "I should get going," he muttered, barely audible over all the suspense in the room. He trudged away. "Stupid muggle." Trixie was a trifle offended, however, there were more important problems to be dealt with at the moment.

As soon as the Slytherin had gone, Aria removed her gaze from the floor. She lengthened her spine, standing up tall and proud. Her brilliant golden hair flowed and waved around her shoulders, framing a perfect heart-shaped face with blushed cheeks and ruby lips. Violence gleamed azure in her eyes. It was clear that Aria was here on a mission. She looked like a heavenly warrior, prepared to fight and kill. Trixie gulped. Somehow, she felt bitchslaps would not rid this girl of her harmful intentions.

"So," Aria said coolly, her voice like a melodious waterfall. (Argh! These sickly descriptions were killing Trixie, just killing her!) "You've figured out how to reverse my so carefully planned deeds. I bet you think you're so smart, don't you? But you didn't possibly think you could go forever without my hearing about it. You must remember that I am quite skilled in Divination."

Of course she was. She was also quite skilled in everything else.

"But bitchslapping won't work forever, you know. Soon, my essence will grow so powerful that nothing will prevent me from ruling over the entire school. And before you know it, my domain will stretch to cover the entire Wizarding World! Take my sweet Draco, for instance: I suspect your little methods have no sort of effect on him, hm?"

Frankly, Trixie hadn't even tried hitting Draco. This was partially because she knew it wouldn't work, but mostly, it was because she was afraid of what would happen if it did. Mauled by a pack of angry fangirls? Lawsuit from none other than Lucius Malfoy himself? The terrifying consequences were endless.

"Are we done soliloquizing yet?" Trixie sighed. Deep reveries of thought spoken aloud were supposed to be Harry's job! But she knew why the Mary Sue was doing this: to build up. Trixie had a growing suspicion of what Aria was going at, and if she was correct, it was by no means pretty. Beads of worry multiplied in Trixie's head like rats. Still, she pretended to be bored and uninterested.

"Oh, no, I'm just getting started." Aria began to circle her like a shark inspecting its prey. She somehow managed to nonchalantly examine her nails while doing this, the actions perfectly balanced to make the older girl look casual and almost innocent while sending a clear message of warning to Trixie in the process. The young author could do nothing but stare ahead valiantly, not making eye contact. Let's pretend to be the Gryffindor you aren't for a moment, shall we?

Aria was going to play her weakness. Everyone has a weakness- Trixie's just happened to be vulnerable at the moment. Aria had no doubt been thinking exactly how to say and do things to persuade her to give in. The stakes were against her. Trixie knew she wouldn't be able to stand up for herself. Though in the time she had spent at Hogwarts so far she had both learned how to flame properly and mastered the art of the bitchslap, her courage hadn't solidified enough to perform a feat such as this. Sending a silent apology to Harry and the rest of the people she would never be able to save, she inhaled deeply and looked Aria directly in the eye.

The dangerous blonde knew Trixie knew what she was going to say. She knew she was giving up. Which made it all the more easy for her. "You know…I have a close friend who needs writing about. Her story was so beautiful! Yet quite tragic…she could use a good author like you."

Trixie cleared her throat. "No, thanks, I've already got a few stories in the process."

Aria mock-pouted. Her disappointed expression practically dripped with artificiality. "Oh, but it's such an epic romance! She has the most intriguing relationship with…"

Screams echoed from the great hall. Then silence.

….

"Did you hear that?" Harry asked, puzzled.

Hermione stood up from the table in the Gryffindor common room. "I did," she remarked softly. "It almost sounded like…a scream."

"I didn't hear anything," Ron said airily. Then again, he wasn't really paying attention; he was much more occupied with inspecting the Cauldron Cake Filch had given him earlier, prodding it suspiciously with his wand to see if it had been jinxed somehow. "You two are going crazy."

"Well, we should definitely make sure nothing's wrong." Harry stood up and started gathering his things. Hermione stopped him.

"That's not our job to know! If someone really did scream, and if someone really is hurt, then a teacher will take care of it. Let's just forget it."

"Hermione's right, Harry. Let's just mind our own business for once."

Harry sighed and plopped down on the chair. It was decided. Maybe later that evening, he could sneak out under the protection of the Invisibility Cloak, if it was still bothering him. He was just about to inquire what the Potions homework was that night when a scrawny owl burst into the room, jerking its wings like a cheap sort of robot.

A piece of parchment dropped from the animal's beak. Harry caught it and unfolded it- it was still warm, so it must have been sent very recently. "Hey, guys, come and look at this."

"Who do you reckon it's from?" Ron mumbled, his mouth full of Cauldron Cake (which he had devoured after deciding it was not harmful in any way).

"Well, let's find out." Hermione took the paper from Harry's hand. The handwriting was choppy and messy, especially so since it seemed to have been scrawled in a hurry. The I's were dotted with little circles. Trixie's handwriting. Hermione read it aloud:

_H, H, and R-_

_Aria's discovered my weakness! By now, it's probably too late for me. Continue trying to find out how to destroy her, but right now, Sirius is probably in grave danger. You must try and find him befo_

The owl fluttered spastically around the room. Harry wondered what kind of mice it had been eating. Ron shooed it out the window, where it bumped into the wall and then spiraled dizzily away. Hermione put the letter down.

"Well, I guess we have to find her," Harry said grimly.

Hermione shook her head. "She said not to come for her, Harry. We need to try and save Sirius first. I don't know what Aria's done to either of them, but…"

The three milled around in gloomy silence, trying to think. They had lost the only person in their world with even the most remote power over Aria, and now Harry's godfather was in unknown danger. Harry just hoped they could still save at least one of the two.

"Cauldron Cake, anyone?"

**I suppose I should have thanked my reviewers long ago. A million thanks to Misguidedfriends Beautifulmess, Someone wearing tie-dyed socks, Plague's Vengeance, Gordissima, SakuraHolic, Slyther-Claw-Proud, Nessima71, Some Moron, Emily Mae, MarshmallowLove, and .Amberleaf., you guys are awesome. So, if you want your name in the story, please review! Only if you want.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Here comes my second-favorite part of the story (my first being Chapter 2). Thanks Ember Felzara, JenniAnimeHotStuff, wingswordsandmetaphors, serenaaa98, and everyone I mentioned before for the 32 REVIEWS SO FAR WOOT WOOT! And a few days ago, I realize I made a mistake. The original plan was for Trixie never to get around to telling them her real name, so they always think she's Celeste Night. But alas, I forgot, signed Trixie in the letter, and now my plan is foiled.**

Harry stumbled along the cobbled path out of Hogsmeade. Soon, it turned to dirt, and the cheery shops and buildings surrounding him became rolling green fields dotted with sheep. The road began to grow rockier, and it sloped upward with every stride. Still, Harry panted on.

He came to the base of a peaked mountain. Already tired as he was, he gazed up at the steep hike and wondered how he would be able to manage the long trek. He was just about to step a tentative foot ahead of him when a flat, echoing cry caught his ear.

Harry spun around, alarmed. There, at the other side of the mountain's foot, stood none other than Sirius Black…and he was _sobbing_.

This could not be good.

"Sirius!" Harry whisper-shouted. "Sirius! What are you doing, you could be spotted!" Had this man gone crazy?

(Unfortunately, he had, in a sense.)

Speeding over to his godfather, all tiredness erased from him, Harry grabbed his arm and started dragging him into the shelter of some boulders. Thinking he could slap some sense into the man, he drew back his arm and struck him across the face, long and hard. But Sirius's eyes did not focus; they were merely painted with a shade of confusion.

"What was THAT for?" he shouted angrily. Nope. Still crying. Still immensely OOC. Understanding washed over Harry like…well, like understanding. Regular _slaps_ didn't work; they had to be _bitch_slaps, and only girls could bitchslap. Why didn't he think of that before? His comprehension turned into dread when he realized that Sirius still was not cured.

"What has she done to you?" Harry inquired, suddenly fierce. His Gryffindor instincts had begun to kick in. "What did Aria do to make you like this?"

"Aria? Who the hell is Aria?" Sirius was now utterly lost. First, Harry slaps him, and now he starts talking about some Aria chick? God, he was so sexy, he didn't deserve any of this! **(A/N: AHAHAHAHA couldn't resist, sorry).**

Harry was quite baffled as well. He was displaying what could only be identified as OOC-ness, yet he claimed never to have met Aria in his life. Aria was really the only Mary-Sue currently putting people in danger…if she wasn't the threat, who was? The only way to find out was to ask him.

"Look, I'm sorry," Harry said, and it was a genuine apology. "Tell me what's the matter." It was a stupidly worded question, he knew, but he figured Sirius was too out of it to notice.

The convict seemed to have been waiting for him to ask. He stared wistfully off into the blustery distance, his eyes thick with sorrow, regret, and ridiculousity. Then, out of nowhere, he thrust a yellowed Polaroid photograph into Harry's startled hands. It was a headshot of a young woman, maybe around 20 or 21. She had long, silky dark hair framing a porcelain face and inquiring green eyes. Her perfectly curved mouth grinned sheepishly up into the camera, as if laughing at some funny but dirty joke. The flawlessness of her slender shoulders and long, graceful neck confirmed one thing: this girl was definitely a Mary Sue.

"Her name was Maria!" Sirius exclaimed, as if playing the lead in a particularly bad soap opera. "She was in my year at Hogwarts. She hated me when we first met; the brightest girl in the class had no taste for a prankster like me. Then, one day in fifth year, I happened to pass by the Transfiguration room while-"

"Will you get to the point already?" Harry did not mean to contradict his godfather (or at least what was left of him), but time was, as usual, limited. It was for Sirius's own sake. "Why are you so…so…sad?" (It took all of Harry's willpower not to say something like 'insane' or 'damaged')

"When I was sentenced to Azkabaan," he continued melodramatically, "I put off telling her. I didn't want her to know or think I was some type of deranged murderer! I told her I had gone away to study dragons in Norway. But big news travels fast, and on the day she found out, she…she…

"She took her own life!" he wailed tearfully, giving a startlingly accurate impression of Professor McGonagall after realizing that her Farmville melons had withered.

Harry sat there, chewing on the thoughts his godfather had just given him. "She killed herself, huh?"

"No, no, you can't say it like that! It's much more dramatic if you say, 'she took her own life'!" Sirius was now a mess of tangled hair, tears, and over-enunciated grief. His entire persona was in danger of fading away completely! This was bad. Very bad.

"Um, I'm gonna just…leave you to do your angst-y thing now," Harry said as he slowly edged away from the raving lunatic that had replaced Sirius Black. Luckily, he didn't even seem to notice his godson was leaving. Once Harry had crept around to the other side of the boulder they were crouched behind, he broke into a full sprint.

He had to tell Hermione! Was she female enough to bitchslap Sirius back into character? Was the man sane enough to be cured at all? What were the House-Elves making for dinner tonight? Unanswered questions bounced around in his head, driving him to run faster, faster, faster. The wind whipped around Harry's unkempt black hair as he raced against time, like a Greek warrior charging into battle, like a wildebeest stampeding down a ravine, like a Kenyan track star reaching around his final lap for the gold…

OOF! Suddenly, the Kenyan warrior wildebeest lie flat on his face on the deserted dirt road. His face was powdered with dust, and his glasses were smashed against his forehead, mangled but not broken. A sheep trotted up to the wooden fence lining the side of the road and baa-d mockingly, as if to laugh at Harry for spoiling the simile and climatic poise of the scene. Lovely. He was about to push himself into a standing position once again when his eyes caught something shimmering amongst the earth, near where his face had landed.

SPAGHETTI

No, no, it wasn't pasta. It was a word. A blue, liquid-y looking word, the letters spelling out what is written above. Harry put his hand on it- it had no texture and seemed to have almost melted into the ground. He stared at it, puzzled, until something else glowed in the corner of his view.

EYES

Another blue word had sunken into the dirt a few yards from where Harry had tripped. He immediately crawled over to it and examined it like the last. It, too, could not be picked up or moved around; this one, however, sparkled a bit brighter than the first. _What a strange place to leave a word_, thought Harry, momentarily distracted.

He rose to his feet and looked around for more words. Sure enough, three more words lay ahead in the path, somewhat evenly spaced every three yards or so. _Laughing_, _coughed_, and _tears_- they obviously did not form sentences, but the scattered bits of vocabulary led on to even more. Harry set off into a jog, looking down at the road at nine foot intervals to make sure he was following the words correctly.

The strange path led him all the way through Hogsmeade to the schevier part of town. Sirius's corrupted state was erased from Harry's mind; the pretty shiny words were much too interesting to care about the condition of the closest thing to family he had left. Around him, the buildings' paint was chipped and peeling, shingles had rotted off the roofs of the houses, and the smell of alcohol hung heavy in the tainted air. Without any concern of where he was going or if it was safe at all, the young wizard turned into an abandoned building, where the words were beginning to grow more frequent.

The decaying door squealed as it was pushed open. A thick coat of fluffy dust lay mournfully over the floor, Harry's feet leaving footprints trailing behind him. The silence was deadly, until his ears picked up a soft sound that lingered on the edge of a draft coming from an upstairs bedroom.

"He-hello? Is anyone up there?" The noise grew louder as he ascended the steps that seemed in danger of collapsing any second. The sound could only be described as a scurrying whisper, uttering words inaudible to even a trained ear. Fear built up in Harry's chest as he edged closer and closer to the door that was open a crack. Words were now sprinkled nearly every inch amongst the dust on the wooden ground, glimmering and shining the color of the sea on a warm summer's day. The Gryffindor took a deep breath; foolishly, he decided that he should definitely go in. Sending up a signal flare through the mildewed ceiling from his wand, one that only Ron and Hermione would definitely be able to see, he took a deep breath and flung the door open.

The room was empty of furniture, but by no means was it vacant. Bits of parchment with harsh black words scrawled across the surface lay torn and abandoned throughout the room. Spilled bottles of ink and old feathers with the tips broken accompanied the papers among the dust and filth. Words were now sprawled everywhere on the floor, glinting oddly in the little amount of light emitted from the small, dirt-encrusted window near the ceiling.

A figure crouched in the corner of the room, their face hidden in shadow. They turned their head side to side, nervously watching its surroundings and giving an occasional twitch. The person or creature was muttering to themselves, what exactly they were saying still unrecognizable. As they spoke, blue words formed out of thin air near their mouth and dissolved, only to reappear as quickly as they'd gone somewhere on the ground. Sometimes it was near the figure; other times it was out in the hall or even further, somewhere outside Harry's range of view. Harry stood there, frightened, wondering if he should back away slowly or investigate.

Unfortunately, he didn't get a chance to decide, for the person hidden in the shadows had spotted him. They jerked their face towards the entrance of the room, quivering slightly. Their eyes grew wide in startle and alarm; they seemed not to belong to a human but a spooked animal of some sort. They were mounted across the frightened face by a mask of eyeliner, more smudged than ever. Harry gasped. He would know that expression from anywhere.

It was Trixie.

**Ooooo, cliffy! This was supposed to be about twice as long until I realized that it was already longer than all the other chapters. Oh well, I'll try to pump these last three chapters out this weekend before school starts and I can only get on on Fridays and the weekends. Who knows, Chapter 8 might even be up later today. =]**


	8. Chapter 8

**What do you know; looks like I shall not be finishing this by, um, tomorrow. Oh well, please know that I will definitely finish soon. Thanks BrownEyes11 and someone without a name for reviewing. "The Girl Who Can't Be Touched" is a real story, an AWESOME story at that, written by none other than Plague's Vengeance, a faithful watcher of this story. And I hate it when people advertise their other stories in their ANs, but if you like my humor and even have a remote idea what Pretty Little Liars is, you might like my crossover, "How Voldemort Met A Very Strange End." It's random, crazy, and makes absolutely no sense.**

"Trixie?" Harry exclaimed. "Oh no, what has Aria done to you?"

"I-I-I couldn't help it. She made m-me do it. Made me. MADE ME-E-E!"

Harry backed up cautiously. Trixie went back to her senseless rambling and twitching. Wondering what she had meant by "she made me do it", he was about to exit the strange, dark room when his foot brushed against a loose piece of parchment. Harry picked it up. It was full of messy writing, full of ink blots and messy writing. Curious, he began to read.

"_I-I just can't believe he's dead!" she sobbed, crystal tears clouding her unfathomable dark eyes. Her slim figure trembled in his strong arms as he lovingly stroked her raven black hair._

"_I know; neither can I," he admitted, gazing into the distance mournfully. "James was a good man. We'll never forget him. But I have you, Maria, and that's all I need."_

_She started sobbing loudly then, burrowing into his shoulder. His grip on her tightened protectively. One of his best friends was gone, wiped away from this earth, never to be seen again. Sirius wasn't sure that he could've handled the information alone, but at the moment, he knew one thing:_

_He'd never let her go._

It was…disgusting! He stared at the parchment in disbelief, much in the same way Trixie had when she had first read Aria's story. Even in the brief sentences crudely etched across the page, he was overwhelmed by the cheesy descriptions and OOC-ness of it all. In fact, if Sirius's name hadn't been written, he wouldn't have in his wildest dreams guessed who the writing was referring to! He was about to pocket it ignorantly to marvel over with his friends when a sickening realization socked him in the stomach: the 'I's were dotted with…circles. Handwriting all too familiar.

His face paled. "Did…did _you _write this?"

The shaky lump in the corner let out a cry that was eerily similar to Sirius's. "I TOLD YOU! I…no, I couldn't…couldn't…mmmraaaahhhh!"

Just then, Ron and Hermione burst through the door. "We saw your signal flare and feared the worst…wha…."

Hermione had seen the disfigured Trixie in the corner, and speech had evaded her. Ron dropped the package of Red Vines he had been holding.

"What happened here?" he gawked. Then he saw his beloved Red Vines abandoned on the floor and scrambled to pick them up.

Harry grimaced and showed them the paper. He watched their expressions evolve from confusion to disbelief, then horror. Ron's eyes bulged, and Hermione stood very stiff and very still.

"I don't know why, but Aria somehow forced her to write this; when I visited Sirius, he was ranting about some Mary Sue. Do you have any idea if we can do anything about it, Hermione?"

The witch stuck a smart pose and calculated who knows what in that oversized head of hers. Finally, she snapped back into the present, her face lit up with inspiration.

"I've got it! Hang on, you guys, I'll be right back." With that, she scampered out of the room, leaving Ron and Harry alone with a mentally unstable 13 year old.

Trixie sat, rigid and still, like an ancient stone statue. She peered into Harry's face with those creepy brown eyes. Unfathomable, like the Mary Sue's, yet hers were much more mysterious and otherworldly, having seen things no sane human had seen before…Harry and Ron were frozen with fear as she spoke in a raspy, tortured voice.

"Look into my eyes…" she told them cosmically. "The purity has been washed away…I am no longer fit to help you…for the Mary Sues have dragged my into their sick and twisted dimension…"

"I'm back!" called Hermione, making Ron and Harry jump. She glared at them. "Really, you guys, what's the matter with you?"

She didn't give them a chance to reply as she hurried over to Trixie's corner and placed a bland-looking file in her hands. Harry peered over, curious as to what it said. "The Girl Who Can't Be Touched," by Plague's Vengeance, was written across the center in simple black letters. Trixie hungrily tore open the folder and started scanning the story inside.

"Good literature," explained Hermione. "She'll realize just how bad this story is once she reads something nice. You see, the subconscious emotions of a human being can be analyzed by…"

"Um, I'm going to go make sure Sirius is okay," Harry interrupted. Ron nodded and they dashed out the door, away from creepy Trixie and Hermione's lectures.

Sirius was, indeed, okay. When they arrived back to the crumbling Hogsmeade building, the papers that had once contained dreadful writing lie shredded and limp across the floor. Trixie was wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, clutching a glass of hot cocoa, and sweating as if she had finished an Olympic swim relay. Hermione kneeled at her side, intently listening on everything she said.

"I'm so sorry; Sirius Black romance fics are my weakness, you see. Aria started telling me about some Mary Sue and their relationship, and…I just couldn't keep my mind."

Hermione nodded sympathetically. "I think we all have at least a small Sirius Black fangirl deep inside us. It's alright."

Ron and Harry stared at Hermione, disturbed, and backed away a few steps.

"Oh, you're here!" she announced brightly and stood up. "Trixie's all better but a little shaken. I assume Sirius is fine, as well?"

"Yes, yes, just fine." Harry quickly changed the subject. "Look, I think we had better get back to Hogwarts. It's getting really late, and I'm not sure if we're even supposed to be here right now."

So they crept down the moldy stairs and out the rusty door. Trixie, embarrassed, stared at the ground and did not look up once during the whole trip back. That had been a close call- they had almost lost their only hope in destroying a terrible evil. But now, the question was, would they ever think of a way to end this? Or would they forever be trapped in a race of bitchslapping and paranoia? Only time, and wits, would tell.

**Yes, it's true; I have a terrible soft spot for SBOC fanfics! Anyway, I have decided on the title of the sequel! It will be called… (Drum roll please)… One Really Messed Up AU! It involves Aria and Trixie, plus more characters that I am giving the option for you people, the faithful followers who have stuck with this story so far, to create! It's not going to really center around the submitted characters but they'll all definitely be in there. They can be versions of yourselves, Mary Sues/ Gary Stus, OR you can even suggest annoying elements of HP AU fanfiction that get really annoying! Please do not, I repeat DO NOT send these in as reviews. This is against the rules and normally I wouldn't care but I have seen people get in trouble because of things like this! So please please PLEASE send them as PMs.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Followers of this story, are you ready? I says, ARE YOU READAY? Climax time! Sorry you had to wait a whole 2 weeks; the first weeks of school were exhausting! Thanks georgster101 and SokkasFirstFangirl for reviews. And to answer your question, SakuraHolic: no, Aria's author is not involved. This girl has sort of developed a mind of her own, and I don't want anything bad happening such as picking a fake pen name similar to a real user's and offending people…so yeah. Enjoy. 2****nd**** to last chapter.**

Ah, the lake. Setting sun, sloshing water. The drowsy heat of summer serenading nature into a tranquil silence. Silvery-blue waves like velvet, rippling beneath a tangerine sky. What a lovely place for contemplation.

Contemplation was exactly what was going on here. Trixie sat slumped against a pitiful tree near the water's edge, gazing into the water as if it would give her some answers. She was tired; tired of running, tired of pondering, and especially tired of bitchslapping. Her shoulders drooped and the skin underneath her eyes was shaded from lack of sleep. They had been going, going, going, just fast enough to jog alongside Aria and her schemes, but never gathering the necessary burst of speed to shoot out in front of her. It would never end, would it?

Sigh. If her instincts were correct, tomorrow was precisely the day when the Mary-Sue would arise in the Great Hall and reveal Snape's tense secret he had tried so hard to keep since the day she arrived. Out of embarrassment, he would probably leave the school, screwing up the canon timeline and sending their carefully planned-out world into chaos. Draco would probably do something cheesy, like offer to run away with her or profess his undying love. Who did this girl think she was, poking at the seams of the fictional world like that? But Trixie had already let everything happen under her nose, only barely managing to scrape together the wits needed to save the situation. Why should this time be any different? It was just too hard- destroying something that had absolutely _no _flaws whatsoever. It was impossible.

"Wait a minute…" Trixie thought aloud. "No flaws…" No flaws. No flaws. _No_ _one_ had no flaws. Otherwise, they weren't human. And Aria was not human… but what if she could be? Trixie was on to something here.

She smiled at her moment of Ravenclaw genius and let the wind gently fidget around her before turning around and darting up the grassy stretch of hill to the castle. Aria was going down, and she was going down tonight.

…..

The Great Hall glowed with warmth and friendly chatter. Trixie's skin relaxed as the cold from outside melted away. To her right, Harry sat nervously in anticipation. To her left, Hermione furrowed her brow and seemed to be speaking to her untouched plate of food, while Ron stuffed his face full of mashed potatoes as if nothing was going on. Everyone around them gossiped innocently, laughing about jokes and stories that seemed simple and foolish at the moment. Even Aria seemed normal, sitting uniformly straight in her seat, pearly white hands clasped daintily in her lap. But if you looked closely, studied her face ever so carefully, you could see a glint of something in her eyes. It wasn't glee. It wasn't evil. No, it was merely intentions.

Snape seemed almost to know that something bad was coming towards him. His eyes darted around precariously, side to side and down at the ground. Trixie could only shake her head in sympathy. If their plan didn't work, then this guy was not in for a bright future. And neither were a huge horde of Snlily shippers…but hopefully, it wouldn't have to come to that.

Abruptly, all commotion stopped in the vast room. Aria herself had stood up calmly and was waiting patiently for the crowd of eager ears to focus their attention on the most radiant being in the room (No you silly, not Colin Creevey; it was her!). Her eyes were full of innocence and sky-blue pain, somehow flashing aqua and indigo at the same time. The tearful acted like a magnet to the eyes of the few who hadn't turned their heads yet to hear what she had to say.

Hermione nudged Trixie, nodding at her that this was the time. Trixie nodded slightly in acknowledgement, jaw tightened and face grim. She breathed deeply through her nose, collected the last few drops of bravery in her eyes…and stayed glued to the bench. Hermione's and Harry's solemn expressions turned to ones of panic at once; they frantically started waving their hands (subtly, as not to be noticed) in a notion for her to stand up and start speaking the words she had planned to. But Trixie simply would not budge.

"Oh, my dearest Hogwarts friends," Aria gushed. "So good to me, my companions. Always willing to stop and help me, to comfort me when I need it. I'm going to miss you all when I'm gone." She gazed wistfully off into the distance, probably thinking about what life would be like when Snape was gone and she could charm her way into ruling Hogwarts. Our own disaster-stuck friends, however, barely had time to notice the predictable chorus of shocked whisperings rising from the crowd at the Mary Sue's terrible news. They were prodding at Trixie's rigid form, trying to convince her to stand up. The girl did not rise- she stared ahead, frozen and terrified, all capability of reason flushed down the drain.

"But you're all too kind!" Aria exclaimed, her hand flying to her heart in a motion that was supposed to portray being flattered. "I didn't think anyone would miss me when I left. I'm so sorry I've already made my decision; I didn't mean to make anyone sad."

Trixie clenched the sides of the wooden bench. Stone still and afraid, the sound and sights around her blended into a muddy blur. Fear had caused her brain to downshift, imitating the defense mechanisms of some type of wild rodent. You know, people at school had described Trixie as squirrel-like... Her head went off into a peaceful train of thoughts that almost made her forget where she was. Warm… soft…happy…cheesecake…

"You really want to know why I must go?" Aria questioned. "Oh, well, I suppose…you see, I've recently made such a startling discovery about my past. I was shocked when I found out, but as it makes things here at school just so awkward, I'm afraid I can't remain here." Snape glared at her through his curtain of greasy black hair, eyes wide in fear and anger.

You wouldn't.

Aria smiled devilishly, one that the crowd did not see.

Oh, yes. I would.

"Well, my mother raised me like any mother should. She was sweet, kind, and caring to me, always teaching me what I needed to know. But she never told me about my father, no matter how much I questioned her. After arriving at Hogwarts, I decided to try to find out who my father was. Seeing," At this, her eyes began to tear up, and her breathing became exaggeratedly shaky. "Seeing that he was the only parent I had left."

"Come on, come on, get up Trixie, please!" moaned Hermione. Harry glanced over at Ron: still devouring his chicken leg like a savage. Aria had manipulated all of them before. This wasn't just. It wouldn't do. Trixie _had_ to stop her; they had worked so hard. But the girl continued to stare directly ahead as if a basilisk had petrified her.

Harry was reminded of how just days ago Trixie had almost gone under. It was strange: that time, her shoulders had been trembling, eyes darting, head jerking. This time could be no more opposite, just sitting there like a stiffly made statue, staring. Eerie, it was, how similar yet so different these things could be.

Suddenly, memory of one of Trixie's crucial traits struck Harry like a match sparking flame. Well, actually no- that usually takes a few tries. An image on a TV? No, that doesn't happen right away either. Well, let's just say Harry had a sudden rush of idea that was sure to work. Having no time to explain it to Hermione, he moved his head so that he was looking Trixie straight in the eye. Waiting until he thought she would be able to hear him, he spoke with solemnity and urgency, praying that she could hear him.

"Do it for Sirius Black!" he told her. Hermione looked at him; first in confusion, then in approval. It was clearly a good idea, even by Hermione standards. They held their breath and hoped.

You know, the cherry jelly beans really _were_ better when paired with the- huh? Something stirred Trixie's odd slumber, pulling her a bit out of subconsciousness. Something about Sirius Black… the events of the present slowly piled up in her sluggish brain until she realized everything that was going on. She blinked twice, and then looked at Hermione and Harry, who nearly cried out in joy. Trixie's eyes widened, asking them if it was too late, but they nodded eagerly, letting her know that there was still time.

"My father left my mother alone before I was born. He abandoned her when she needed him most and didn't even care about raising his own child. But don't worry, I forgive him; I even baked him this special cake to be nice!" A beautiful seven-layer devil's food cake lay on the table in front of her, decorated with intricate blue frosting designs. Ha, she knew Snape didn't like chocolate.

"My father, who you all should think is mean and nasty but I totally forgive and love, is none other than…"

It was then that Trixie stood. As she rose, her shin banged against the table, knocking it a few feet and making a loud noise that attracted the annoyed attention of the whole hall. Including Aria. She crossed her arms, titled her chin down and stared, frustrated, out from under her brow at the interruption. "What is it now?" she almost whined.

Trixie just stood there, pigeon-toed and embarrassed. A thousand sets of eyes stared up at her. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.

"The song!" Hermione whispered loudly. Instantly, Trixie remembered what she was supposed to do. She shot a smug glance at Aria, climbed up on the table, and stared screaming (singing?) at the top of her lungs.

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES? YEAH I LIKE WAFFLES. DO YOU LIKE PANCAKES? YEAH I LIKE PANCAKES!"

Aria's glare morphed into one of horror and shock. A dangerous look floated to the top of her misty eyes. "Oh, no…" she said, almost as if she was warning someone. "Not the song…not the song."

Trixie's extravagant routine continued. "DO YOU LIKE FRENCH TOAST? YEAH I LIKE FRENCH TOAST! DOO DOODILLY DOO CAN'T WAIT TO GET A MOUTHFUL!"

Some student's laughed; others looked utterly confused. Still more rolled their eyes at the catchy yet repetitive tune. Aria, on the other hand, could not have looked more alarmed and furious. "Don't… sing…that…song," she growled through clenched teeth. Yet the words continued.

"WAFFLES!...WAFFLES!...WAFFLES!...DOO DOODILLY DOO CAN'T WAIT TO GET A MOUTHFUL!"

A great cry of rage went up like signal flares from Aria. "NO ONE sings that song. That SO- CALLED piece of MUSIC is NOTHING to be SINGING in front of my BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT EARS! You are all just NAIVES and FOOLS and no one is even HALF as SMART and BEAUTIFUL and SWEET and PERFECT as I AM! In fact you should all just GO DIE and get OUT OF MY PRESENCE because I HATE YOU ALL and think THIS STUPID SCHOOL SUCKS!"

With each word she spoke, something strange happened. A few golden hairs in her usually perfect honey-colored waterfall began popping up. Were they, perhaps, flyaways? The intense blue-ness of her burning azure eyes died down a bit until they were an opaque, watery shade. A few freckles and blemishes sprouted across her smooth white face; the gentle blush of her cherry cheeks ripened into a bit of a sunburned look. Her nose elongated, her figure thickened, and her heart-shaped strawberry lips stretched until they were colorless pink. The result was not someone ugly, nor was it someone fat- it was just a normal girl, in no way more special or greater than anyone else.

A blanket of silence fell over them, but this time, it was not in awe. Aria, or at least what used to be Aria, stood dejectedly at the center of everyone's attention.

Her not-so-gripping blue eyes looked around the room, seeing everyone as equals for the first time. A scowl spread over her face, now reminding Trixie a bit of Moaning Myrtle when students threw spit-wads at her. Aria's face turned red.

"XxBELLATRIXLESTRANGE917Xx!" she screamed. "YOU WILL PAY!"

And with that, she darted out of the room.


	10. Chapter 10 Epilogue

**WAHHHHHHHHHHH I'm gonna cry- I can't believe this story is over. About the three-week waiting period… all I can say is I'm sorry, but during the school year, don't expect me to be a whole lot faster than that. I was partying all last weekend for my birthday, so, uhm… Thanks to Pigfarts-It's on Mars and everyone for being so sweet and lovely and reviewing!**

As one would expect, there was great rejoicing. The teachers danced with lampshades on their heads, Peeves threw popcorn bits at everyone, and the portraits got drunk as Mundungus Fletcher. Draco had slunk off the common room in embarrassment after being filled in on what had happened during that strange period of time that he just couldn't seem to remember. Trixie was rather enjoying herself (though everyone made sure to keep her far away from the butterbeer), what with all the house-elves hopped up on fruit punch, when Harry marched through the sea of students and Chocolate Frog wrappers and pulled her away from a very intense dance to the Gummy Bear song.

He grabbed her by the sleeve and dragged her to a quieter corner of the Great Hall, much despite her protesting. The weird techno music continued to blare in the background as he addressed her.

"Look, Trixie, I know you like it here and all, but aren't you… well, don't you need to be getting home?"

Her face drooped. "Aw, couldn't I at least stay for the rest of the party? It's awesome!" Awesome it was; Trixie looked almost unrecognizable, with her hair frizzed up like brown static, frosting and cotton candy smeared around her mouth, and bits of glitter stuck to her jeans. Her appearance was almost comical, but it suited her.

"Well, wouldn't you think everyone would be wondering where you've been these last two weeks? I mean, you've spent enough time here already…"

"Oh, I get it!" she screeched. Maybe they _hadn't _done such a good job in retaining the butterbeer. "You don't want me! Oh, no one wants old Trixie around! No, they keep me around until I've killed a bloody Mary Sue for you, then it's bye-bye me! Go on and party all week for all I care! I don't even want to be here anymore. So there!"

Harry returned her statements with a blank stare until she grinned. "I'm just fooling with you, of course I'll leave. You didn't think I'd really use the word _bloody _in a sentence like that, did you?"

Harry shook his head, confused yet somewhat amused. "Anyway, thanks for all your help, getting rid of Aria. We couldn't have done it without you, with all your plans, and bravery, and quick thinking…"

"Alright, bye!" Trixie exclaimed cheerily, cutting him off from what looked suspiciously like a cliché end scene. "Tell Luna Lovegood I said hi."

She turned to leave and was just about to pass under the very doors Aria Snape herself had entered through what seemed like years ago when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning around, she came face to face with Harry once more. His green eyes met her brown ones, and among the herd of dancing, shrieking, spitting people, she wondered while he knew there was one last thing he had to say.

"Trixie…" he began, knowing it was the last time they would see each other. "Trixie…

"Do I still have to kiss that Snatcher chick?"

Trixie grinned devilishly. "I guess you'll have to see… IN SEVENTH YEAR!" She spun around and dashed out of Hogwarts, laughing maniacally all the way out.

"Oh, you… you bastard!" He knew she had heard him, but she was already too far away to say anything in reply.

…

The fanfiction author leaned back in her chair, satisfied with the idea. Of course it wouldn't work; there were already countless people who tried, and tried, and tried again. No one had _really_ succeeded so far; what made her think she could make any sort of difference whatsoever?

She knew it couldn't do _much_ good. Mary Sues would always be out there, feasting upon the personalities of characters, growing more beautiful and more obnoxious every day. There would always be inexperienced authors, rushing too fast into writing before actually observing what to do and what not to do. And they would never stop criticizing the helpful people who tried to kindly tell them what they were doing wrong before they got flamed. It was how the world works and will always keep on working.

But that wasn't the point. That wasn't why Trixie and the thousands others put their lives, reputations, and sanity at stake for. It was for the sake of those poor, clueless souls that were uneducated in the evils of Mary Sues. It was so they all could know and learn how to avoid them and their craftiness. The noobs could only improve if they were taught. Who was going to teach them? That was why they all did what they did. It was an act of charity, really; a favor given long ago and eventually returned to another author as acts of compassion. Trixie had been in that place once and was smart enough to rise out of it. She just needed to make sure that as many other people as possible were fortunate to do so themselves.

With confidence, she opened Word on her family's desktop computer and started typing.

The words were short and simple, yet clever enough to get the point across. _XxBelatrixLestrange917xX darted down the Hogwarts hallway. She_ _slowed to a stop and leaned up against the cool stone wall, panting. This school was a lot bigger and more confusing than it had sounded when she read the books! _Throughout the story, she poked fun at both bits of the Harry Potter books and elements of fanfiction literature, hoping the readers would enjoy. She was genuinely excited to write this story and looking forward to the reaction of reviewers. It was an easy write that could both give people a laugh and warm her up for more serious work later.

The finished product was something that pleased her greatly. She logged into her account of and, without hesitating, clicked "New Story". This was guaranteed to get a tidy sum of reviews and teach many about dangers and trials of writing fanfiction. It would be genius! After hitting "Publish", she grinned, logged off, and strode off to do her chores. This was the dawn of a new age for XxBellatrixLestrange917xX; one holding promise, opportunity, and most of all, fun.

And, hopefully, endings not nearly as cheesy at this one.

**HA. HA. HA I bet you thought Harry and Trixie were gonna kiss or something! Ha ha, nope! There's absolutely nothing going on between them (us?), it was just a funny little idea I had and decided to try. I love fooling people. Anyway, thank you all for your lovely comments and follows. One Really Messed Up AU will be out… sometime. Maybe after or maybe before I write that Founders fic I've been not talking about. I love you all, and I'll miss you guys and this story! Thanks again! **


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